Archive for September, 2007

Want to Avoid Crappy Assignments?

September 30th, 2007 | Category: News

It is commonly known in the higher ranks of the Imperial Army that the nano-bots injected into newly inducted troopers are capable of a range of activities within its host.

These nano-bots are usually used for identification purposes so that if a trooper loses a limb in battle, the medics are able to see whose it is. But did you know that these same little bots are also capable of storing encrypted messages for pickup from the right officer?

Yes, that’s right! If you are sent on a mission to scrub the urinals and are not at your duty station, a high enough ranking officer could get a reading at the nearest glow box and BAM! You are now on triple urinal duty.

If you think that’s bad just imagine how much worse you will feel when you learn that the Empire keeps track of all of its’ troops through satellite tracking systems related to these nano-bots!

The Empire knows when you are sleeping. They know when you are awake. If they catch you at your girlfriends’ house, or anywhere else that you aren’t supposed to be, then you may be on bilge detail on some manure freighter headed to the Outer Rim!

The best advice for all of you, especially the new troops, is to stay put on base. Don’t enter any unauthorized areas, and for your own sake, sneak your girl into the barracks! Sure, you may have to hear your squad mates flirt with her a little (or try to live down a bad rep for the next four years or so) but I promise it’s worth it, especially if you are, like me, allergic to any assignment involving butt-mud.

Thanks for reading and keep up the good work!

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Did You Know… (Star Wars Facts You May Not Know)

September 22nd, 2007 | Category: News,Star Wars Trivia
  • Did you know… that Ewan “Obi-Wan” McGregor is the nephew of Denis Lawson, who played the pilot Wedge Antilles in the original Star Wars trilogy.
  • Did you know… that aliens, the same species as E.T., can be seen in the senate, right after Queen Amidala calls for a vote of no confidence in chancellor Valorum’s leadership.
  • Did you know… that Lucas ends the dialogue in the Phantom Menace like a Shakespearean play, with a rhyming couplet: “Always two there are, no more, no less: a master and an apprentice.” “But which was destroyed? The master or the apprentice?”
  • Did you know… that Queen Amidala protects herself by posing as one of her own underlings? The same ploy was used by the President of the United States in Superman II (1980) to conceal his identity from General Zod, played by Terence Stamp – who plays Chancellor Valorum in the Phantom Menace.
  • Did you know… that “Attack of the Clones” was filmed on the very same sound stage as “Moulin Rogue!”, in which Ewan McGregor also had a lead role.
  • Did you know… that “Padme” is a common word in Buddhism and is Sanskrit for “lotus”? “Yoda” is also derived from the Sanskrit word for “warrior.”
  • Did you know… that Natalie Portman (Queen Amidala) missed the premiere party in New York because she had to go home to study for her high school final exams
  • Did you know… that in The Empire Strikes Back, Mark Hamill had to bang his head 16 times on the ceiling of Yoda’s hut before the director was satisfied. (Ouch!)
  • Did you know… that you can see the “Star Wars Pod Racer” game on the left most screen in the bar where Anakin chases Padmés would-be assasin?
  • Did you know... that when they filmed the fighting scenes in Phantom Menace – Ewan McGregor made lightsaber noises as he dueled? It was noticed only afterwards and had to be edited out in post production.
  • Did you know… a pod from the Discovery in 2001:A Space Odyssey can be seen behind Qui-Gon in Watto’s junkyard.
  • Did you know… that Carrie Fisher was 19 when she filmed Star Wars : A New Hope? That’s the same age her mother, Debbie Reynolds, was when she filmed “Singin’ in the Rain” with Gene Kelly
  • Did you know… that for some shots at the podrace in Phantom Menace – thousands of colored Q-Tips were used to pose as the audience? Enough Q-Tips to last a normal person dozens of lifetimes.
  • Did you know… that 2 to 3 spraycans a day were used on Chewie’s face mask alone to keep all the long furr in place.
  • Did you know… that before Natalie Portman was cast for her role as Queen Amidala in Star Wars : Episode I, she had never seen the original 3 Star Wars movies.
  • Did you know… that the Ewoks sing in Swedish? In the chorus for the end title song they sing “Det luktar flingor här” which means “it smells like cereal here”.
  • Did you know… that “Attack of the clones” is the first movie where Yoda is completely computer animated? Frank Oz was available on the set, but only as an aid to the actors with his voice.
  • Did you know… that Nien Numb is speaking a Kenyan dialect? What he says to Lando is in fact: “One thousand herds of elephants are standing on my foot”.
  • Did you know… that Qui-Gon Jinn’s communicator is a razor for women (Sensor Excel) that’s been painted and redecorated.
  • Did you know… that James Earl Jones, who provided the powerful voice of Darth Vader, used to take acting classes to control his stutter.
  • Did you know… that even David Prowse, who played Darth Vader, didn’t know he was Luke’s father until the opening of the movie? Director Irving Kerschner had only told him to make a fist and look angry.
  • Did you know that… “In the first film, I had to wear that white dress and I couldn’t wear a bra. Everything was bouncing around, so I had to wear gaffer’s tape for three months to keep my breasts down. A new crew member used to come up every day and get to rip it off.” – Carrie Fisher (Rolling Stone July 24, 1980)

(Pulled from various interviews with crew and/or cast)

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Is this the end for Yillis?

September 21st, 2007 | Category: News

Unless you have been living down a burrow for the past few days, you will have undoubtedly become aware of the new scandal that has swept over the VE like a wave sweeps over a shore. In a shock decision yesterday, Gunnery Sergeant Yillis, who has been a member of the VE Army sice March 2005, resigned from service as leader of Dark Dragoons, a squad he has led for just over a month. His resignation is apparently down to his own personal dissatisfaction with the High Command. Now, I know that you, our dear readers, are saying to yourselves,:

      “Its just a squad leader, no biggie.” And I would generally agree. However, there are a few factors that mark this out from an everyday resignation. For one, Yillis is, or was rather, a leader of a squad, and not only that, he has now left them up Phase II creek without any squad-leader paddles. Another thing that has become of this is that it has the Army on the edge of a schism like what happened earlier in the month in regards the Navy. In Yillis’ resignation letter he cites the sources of his anger as Grand General Fury, General Cosmic and Colonel Merrick, saying that they are “Too busy, too cold and ignorant,” respectively. In a return post, General Cosmic states:

    “Honestly, I don’t care if you don’t respect me, Yillis.As to why you don’t have that respect, I don’t know. Perhaps it’s my character, the fact that I’m a Christian, or the fact that I keep having to remind you that you can’t say “f**k” all the time in mIRC……I’ve worked my ass off in the VE for 7 years, so if you don’t have even just a little respect for anyone by that fact alone, then I would be most interested with how you define “respect”…….As far as the happenings in the Corps, we know exactly what’s going on. I’ve kept my own tabs, and I know you haven’t sent in any reports……And don’t you even start touching the topic about what you think Fury has or has not done……..”

Another attack on Yillis came from Brigadier General Rizzit, who had also been the butt of many of Yillis’ remarks.

    ” Now that I’ve actually had a day to recover from the SHOCK of you actually having the nerve to post this, I’d like to say something here. First off, while I agree with Fury you’re not totally wrong, I also need to say that you’re not totally right either. It’s been said here before, but while Fury is busy, he DOES chip in a lot around here………..Also, I think Cosmic is right: you really don’t have much (if any) respect for anyone. This post you made proves his point. I’ve also recieved in your time here a good number of logs with complaints about you.Normally, there’d at least be some logic in this move that it could at least be seen where you were coming from wether you were right/wrong but some others had no explanation whatsoever. These logs contains various insults which show a blatant disregaurd of respect for anyone or anything, and what’s worse: they weren’t in PM they were PUBLIC!!!!!”
       Vicious stuff. And, with the numbers of posts growing each day on both his leave post, and on his Resignation letter, Yillis’ resignation may prove to be the most famous, if not infamous of all resignations of recent times.

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A Rising Star….Dust: New Band Rising in Popularity

September 17th, 2007 | Category: News

Star Dust: A New Hope For Music Everywhere

Reported by journalist: Rike Malen

A new band has been signed by Big Blob records called Star Dust. They are a Bith and Twi’lek band which were discovered on Tatooine. They were signed two cycles ago after performing a stellar performance at a cantina in Mos Eisley. The band has been playing the cantina for 2 years and never thought they would ever get past that stage and were okay with it. The band was really surprised when Jimmiea, a hut music producer, gave them a two year tour and 5 holodisc contract.

The bands members are the following:


Gunn-Hafia- Flute
Helvene Gregga- Drums
Ullta Yatlspeck- Key board


Gweni Hellva- Dancer
Talia Ju- Dancer
Jakcle Runs- Singer

They are now heading for Coruscant where they will finalize their contract and receive their first pay check.They will beproduce their first cd and then go on tour while working on their second. The band had, had some conflict over the contract but hopefully that will be worked out soon. The first tour will be traveling to the following places:

1. Coruscant
2. Tatooine
3. Nar Shaddaa
4. Dantooine

5. Agamar
6. Kamino
7. Rhen Var

And finally

8. Elrood

They are well liked for their uncommon low pitched and louder music. They use a lot of low notes and fast beat to send a feeling of a rush into their audience, a feeling that is not much expressed in music but is much missed by some. Their lyrics are focused on the problems of everyday life and how hard it is to get a foot hold in life. The lyrics are well like because most can sympathize with them, or so the experts say. Also the two dancers, Gweni and Talia, are considered by most to be fantastic and sexy. So over all they are a great band and throw great shows that go on and on. They have been called for 5 encores at one showing at the Mos Eisley Cantina.

There is a rumor going around that dancer Gweni Hellva and the Singer Jakcle Runs are in a dating relationship but as yet it is just a rumor. Last night Gweni was spotted leaving Jackle’s apartment at midnight, leading to conclusions and questions of what they were up two in there. When asked about this in an interview today Jakcle had this to say, “No no I won’t say whether or not we are dating. I leave it at a rumor for now, and see what happens”, leaving many questions as two why he would not confirm this, and many believe it is because Jakcle wants to go public but Gweni doesn’t. This reporter though has gone beyond conclusion and into trash cans…. I mean undercover work and found that they are in fact dating not dating as of yet and our just “good friends”. After being thrown…. I mean escorted out I interview Gweni privately where she has said that she is considering dating Jakcle but fears it might interfere with the band so they have decided to wait.

So I have informed you on many things about this new band, about their deal and discovery, about their concert info, about the band members, and finally about the romantic fling going on behind scenes. For more information for check in check with my articles and to ticket information and sales will be up soon and I will note in a later article where to get those.

Once again this is Rike Malen reporting for Vast Empire Today, look out for my next article where we will find out the results of the battle of gangs in Nar Shaddaa, if in time it is over.

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News on the March!!!

September 16th, 2007 | Category: News,Star Wars Role Playing

Life on the front lines isn’t easy, as any of our brave boys will tell you! But our fine soldiers and flyboys keep going strong, through all thrown their way. And now, with the largest battle of many of their lives looming over them, it seems that the Stormtrooper Corps and the Imperial Navy are about to get the test of their career. The Phase II Joint Mission is set to be a great trial for our armed forces, but they shall no doubt, come through victorious. Throughout this battle I shall be giving you, dear readers, direct coverage from the frontline, including squad by squad/squadron by squad/squadron reports, the overall success rate of each division and of the VE as a whole. So,without further ado, here is installment number one of “News on the March!”


Dark Dragoons

Yes these brave boys were one of the first to fight, their objective being an MC-90 in the New Republic shipyard. Led by squad commander Yillis, they have bravely battled their way to their target, with only one casualty, Sergeant First Class Zafo, who has been recuperating well.Now awiting further orders, this squad seems to have done admirably well.


Wraith squads target was a shipload of alchoholic beverages intended for Republic consumption. But no drink for the enemy today, no sir! Wraith squad has appeared to have boarded the ship and it is, although somewhat shakily, making its way towards the enemy fromation.


Raiders squad is a multi-enviroment squad, meaning that they often operate under zero-gravity conditions. Today was no exception as they swooped down upon the Golan II fire platform,exploiting a gap in the Republic shields that shall no doubt pove to be their un-doing!Reports from this section of the battle field are sketchy at best, although it is known that Raiders are close to their objective, which is to take the bridge and disable defensive systems. We’ll keep you updated folks!



As an elite squadron, Kaph has a lot of pressure on it to be the best, but, according to predictions, this squadron shall not dissapoint. As I write this, pilots from Kaph are taking off from the SD Rishi, and are heading to battle.


Nazgul squadron is currently undergoing flight simulation training, readying themselves for the battle ahead. No doubt that they’ve got an ace up their sleeve.

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Imperial Probe Logs Reveal Dirtier Side of the Galaxy

September 13th, 2007 | Category: News,Star Wars Role Playing

The VEToday has recently called in several probe droids that were deployed many standard years ago, some dating to around the first Death Star. Several probes even predate the Galactic Empire. Contained within the memory banks of these droids are the mountains of data that has been collected. Unfortuanately so much data was recorded that the probes began to overwrite the video files with only sound clips. This we have several years worth of sound clips and no video to help us understand what is going on. Many sound clips are even broken up and static can be heard in several places.

A majority of the clips are just boring banter between people or nature sounds. Some of the clips are much more… questionable. We’ll let you be the judge.

  1. I haven’t seen him. It’s possible he came in through the south entrance.
  2. Ten thousand?? We could buy our own ship for that!
  3. Young fool… only now, at the end, do you understand
  4. I don’t care what you smell, just get in there you big lug!
  5. She may not look like much, but she’s got it where it counts, kid.
  6. Even I get boarded sometimes.
  7. They came from… behind!
  8. [static] lets blow this thing [static]
  9. credits will do fine
  10. Pull out Wedge, you’re not going to do much good back there.
  11. Look at the size of that thing
  12. I’m not afraid … Oh, you will be. You will
  13. Your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough, but your uncle wouldn’t allow it
  14. It’s no good down here, I can’t maneuver!
  15. “Goooooooooooooooooood….” *hissssss* “Gooooooooooooooooood….”
  16. There’s an awful lot of moisture in here.
  17. Stabilize your rear deflectors… Watch for enemy fighters.
  18. Impressive. Most impressive. Obi-wan has taught you well.
  19. You came in [static] -ing?
  20. Stay on Target, Stay on Target!
  21. Would it help if I got out and pushed?

Needless to say, most of us are disturbed here at the VEToday, There are a few rare reporters smiling strangely at some of the comments. I made a mental note to avoid them. Laughter is fine, but that look… *shudder*

Anyways, Imperial Intelligence has analyzed each sound clip and compared them to accurate historical files, we have determined the following:

  1. Rebel soldier in Hoth Base -> to Princess Leia on trying to find the entryway Luke used on Hoth. The context of the entryway is questionable.
  2. Luke Skywalker -> Obviously outraged at the prices of the Jawa “entertainers.”
  3. Emperor Palpatine -> We have no desire to determine what he means by “end”
  4. Han Solo -> Once again, we didn’t ask
  5. Han Solo -> We sure hope he was talking about his ship.
  6. Han Solo -> We had to run in circles for 5 days to get that image out of our heads
  7. Gold 5 -> We think there was something wrong with that
  8. Han Solo -> You can figure this one out
  9. Qui Gon Jinn -> Trying to get the prostitute to accept his form of credits most likely. Although jedi were forbidden to love, nothing forbid the other thing
  10. Luke Skywalker -> “Pull out” and “back there” says it all
  11. Luke Skywalker -> Do we have to explain this one?
  12. Luke Skywalker and Yoda -> It can explain itself
  13. Obi Wan Kenobi -> Passing on a family item… the vibration like noise that came after was not reassuring
  14. Gold Leader -> That is wrong.
  15. Lord Vader -> We are not quite sure what cybernetic enhancements he got
  16. Han Solo -> No comment
  17. Gold Leader -> Watch you hole in other words. Perv.
  18. Count Dooku -> We skipped this one
  19. Princess Leia -> emphasis on the second word
  20. Gold Leader -> So wrong. Did we mention Gold Leader is a perv yet?
  21. Princess Leia -> We are starting to think Leia might have been around the block

In addition, only one probe droid was able to provide us with an image. The sound clip that comes with it scares the living jeepeers out of us:

“and now, princess, we will discuss the location of your rebel base” *thwrum thwruuum thwruuuuum*

No comment.

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Wait! Don’t go in there! Thats the…Meat grinder.

September 13th, 2007 | Category: New Recruit Tips

Okay then. I’m writing this article for any newcomer’s to the VE. It can be a very confusing place when your a fresh piece of mea….I mean cadet.

So, here we go. You found the link to this article, congratulations. Bet your wondering what to do next? Well here’s the answer? See that little red box with a white cross through it in the top right of your screen? Looks really appealing doesn’t it? Just sat there, begging you to press it? Well, now’s your chance. Just hover your mouse over it, thats it. Ok ready? On three you click that little left hand mouse button.


Alright that’s the idiots gone. Now for the serious article. Well, kinda. Any of you who are fortunate (unfortunate?) enough to know me well know I hardly do anything seriously.

But, just for this article, I shall concentate.

I’m starting this tutorial thingy from the point where you have just passed out of the Storm Trooper Academy, or the Naval Academy. Whichever one you left, you will of been placed in a squad (or squadron, in the Navy’s case). If you don’t already know which squad(ron) you are in (I didn’t), now’s your time to find out.

The Navy side is easier to figure out, the only squadrons actively running are Kaph and Nazgul, plus Shazam is pretty good at taking your hand and leading you through everything. I don’t expect many Navy member’s to get lost.

You Corps however, it’s slightly more difficult. Cosmic has to run around finding you a squad, which depending on activity levels, might take a while. Regardless, take the opportunity to have a look through all the various squad topic’s, and check out the general stuff that goes on inside them. Squad topic’s aren’t taken seriously, they’re very light hearted places. Just don’t post in another squad’s topic, it tends to get them a little mad.

Alright, you’ve found your home in the VE. Now what? If you’re lucky, the man/woman in charge has arranged sending out a welcome e-mail to you, which will detail all the finer points of the squad. Rely on that e-mail more than this, I can only offer general advice, your SL/SC will know far more about what your supposed to do than I. Only exception is if your a Wraith, in which case this e-mail will come from myself, and I hardly ever know what I’m doing.

Alright! Now, you should be settled into your squad, and you should spend some time getting to know your squadmates. Make sure you know who to go to if you have a problem, on what day reports should be sent, and know of your squad story. If you keep those three pieces of information in your head, you should be alright.

Your ID line! I almost forgot. This is a really scary piece of gibberish for most newcomers. But don’t worry, it will begin to make sense in time. The best advice I can give for the long term is to look it up in the handbook and create it yourself, it’s valuable experience. However, it’s far from necessary. The easiest thing to do is copy the ID line of another member of your squad(ron), and change only what you need to. In most cases, that will be your callsign and your rank. And if you were unlucky enough to copy a person with awards, please make sure you take them out, or it could get you in a hell of a lot of trouble. Awards are normally bracketed.

And now, aside from your squad, what else can you do in the VE? Well there’s the pay per click directory. Filled with lots of buttons to press, which magically spew out money! Well worth a try.

For the gambler, there is the stock market! Dont worry, you only gamble your (sometimes) Hard earned Imperial Credits, not your real money. All of these links can be found on the Vast Empire homepage.

What next? The world my son (or Daughter)

Kanderin Draken
VE Journalist

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GANG WAR!!!!!!!

September 13th, 2007 | Category: News

Gang Wars in Nar Shaddaa

                This week on the moon Nar Shaddaa, a violent gang war has erupted in the 5th residential sector. The gangs were unknown to official prior to the beginning of the war. The two gangs go by the names of the Galactic Souls and the Berserkers. Fighting erupted earlier this week at a cantina after two men were arguing over an unknown package. Officials are still looking for the so called package, fearing it could be some type of massive explosive. These two gangs are both a couple thousand members strong, which shocked the local law enforcement since none of them even knew they existed.

                At the start it was limited to small gang brawls, only a few blasters had been pulled. But as the week went on the fights became battles, and the blood started falling. Not only the gangsters have died in the fight, many civilians have been harmed during the fights. In fact there are 50 confirmed deaths of civilians and three times that in wounded. The damages to land and property are uncountable. The 5th Sector is close to becoming a flame ridden battle ground. People are scared to come out of their houses at night, some even afraid to do it at all.

                Here is a story from a gang violence victim, Miss Sarrel Captra.  Sarrel Captra is a local dinner owner in the sector who store was shot up by a couple of Berserkers in a shootout.  Here are her own words, Sarrel Captra, “It was three days ago, I had opened the shop like I had every other day. People were scared so business was really slow, but these two men, Mike and James, came in every day for a cup of coffee. They were nice enough boys, never though they were involved in anything bad, especially not the gang war. But it turns out I was wrong, that day two Twi’leks came in, they were wearing masks and had blaster pistols out and pointed at the front desk. They took all we had and turned around and faced Mike and James. I looked up from the counter where I was hiding to see that Mike and James had blasters of their own out and had them point right at the Twi’leks. I was scared for my life, and then the first shot rang off. I closed my eyes, scared to look.  The shots rang off for it had to be… 5 minutes before it went silent. Then all I heard was footsteps running away. I looked up, Mike and both Twi’leks were dead, and the table Mike and James as well as the counter were scorched from miss fire of the guns.”

                Many more stories, some worst then this, have been reported due to the increasingly deadly gang war. Along with the fights between the two actual gangs, both sides have increased in all areas of crime; robberies, kidnapping, assault, rape, and many more.  By the hundreds civilians flew the sector in refuge for safer places. So far the war has been contained to only the 5th Sector. The majority of law enforcement troops have been placed in the sector or the neighboring ones. Nar Shaddaa officials have gone as far as to offer money for every high ranking member killed, in hopes of thinning the ranks of the gangsters.

                But the VE are responding to this problem as we speak. Right now 5,000 highly trained riot/anti-terrorist mps are being shipped to Nar Shaddaa to fight the gangster and bring an end to this pointless and bloody war. Commander Jack Liverstien is the officer in charge of bringing this conflict to a halt, when interviewed this is what he had to say, “How something like this could have erupted is not surprising, Nar Shaddaa has been a gangster and smuggler heaven for years. It was only a matter of time before something like this would happen. It’s a shame that all the civilians that have died or wounded had to get involved. My troops are trained for this type of thing and are waiting to engage and eliminate all gangs in the sector. And this “package” that started this whole thing was probably just some hot goods. So no I don’t believe there is a major bomb threat in the Sector. I except the fighting to heat up once we get there, but at least that way we can get them faster”, the Commander laughed and went on to some info on his troops which we will skip  for now.

                Nar Shaddaa’s 5th Sector is now a flaming mess and it will only be getting worst. We will report on this at a later point as of the results of Commander Liverstiens troop’s insertion.  

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Chaos rampant in New Republic Fleet.

September 12th, 2007 | Category: News

We at the VEToday hear a lot of rumors. Rumors about exploding suns, traitorous generals, ‘Dark Jedi’ conspiracies, and even one fellow who insisted that he was the Emperor reborn. However every now and then a rumor comes our way that sounds like it isn’t completely insane. Those we investigate further, usually discovering that they actually are, in fact, completely insane.

However lately there has been a rumor circulating the barracks and cantinas about morale issues within the New Republic fleets and we here have taken it upon ourselves to investigate further. What we have discovered should be of great concern to any New Republic officials that by some chance read this. (Maybe one of our faithful readers could send them a copy?)

On the outside the New Republic fleets appear ordered, strong and coordinated, if far from modern. Inside though they are a cornucopia of confusion, frustration and masturbation. Tensions run high, especially during drills or combat when the stress levels of any crew rise. Desertions have doubled in the past month and tripled in the last two. Ships are running skeleton crews, while their brigs over flow.

What could cause such mass hysteria and dysfunction among a military that managed to nearly destroy a galaxy spanning empire? Plague? Moral ambiguity? Their ever shrinking borders? We asked these and more questions of our chosen interview subjects. Although they were initially reluctant to comment, we turned the power settings up. This of course resulted in the predictable deaths. Later, however they started responding more personably. Such as this brave soul:

“AAHHH!. . .*pant* *pant*. It’s the alcohol shortage. . . We. . .*pant*” *ZAAP* “I can’t feel my face!”

A shortage of alcohol is a severe problem in any military. Troopers shoved together in cramped conditions with little to occupy their free time tend to cause trouble and absolute mayhem. The introduction of libations gives the soldiers something to look forward to and is sure to make them fall asleep and be well rested the next day. Without this distraction they have become restless, bored and cranky. Not to mention suffering from alcohol withdrawals.

Further research has revealed to this intrepid reporter that this chaos was in good part to the planning of our Commanders and the ingenuity of our troopers in the field. Not to mention the various pirate factions that have found the New Republic easy pickings in the recent months.

Even further digging has revealed that the Army intends to take full advantage of these disruptions within the New Republic Fleet. Although Fury was not available to answer questions his aide did give us thirty or forty minutes of absolutely nothing. But we kept talking because she was cute and we wanted to take her out later. However rest assured Imperial Citizen, that the chaos among the New Republic ranks brings us one step closer to an inevitable Imperial victory. Long live the Empire!

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Seven Simple Suggestings to Improve Morale in the VE

September 12th, 2007 | Category: News

Morale is diminishing in the Corps and Navy, pilots and stormtrooper lack the motivation to blast their opposition into smithereens. Studies at the Tadath Institute of Technology (TIT) show that unmotivated troopers tend to perform below standards and have a higher death ratio than their optimistic, trigger happy counterparts. Thus, leading psychological scientists at TIT have suggested seven simple methods to improve the morale and thus efficency of the Vast Empire forces.

7) Turn That Frown Upside DownHappy Stormie
Let’s face it. You are looking at a normal Stormtrooper, he looks gloomy. Now if we turn that little black ‘v’ like mark on their helmets upside down you have instant morale boost. Not to mention it should unnerve the enemy if he sees a whole platoon of ceaseless smiles running at him. Or how about if your squad smiles happily at everything you do no matter how stupid?
Think about it…

“Hey TK-321 why so gloomy?”
“I dunno, maybe my squad just seems to frown at everything I do.”
“Then you need the spankin’ new helmets, they will smile. Even if you shoot your own SL, he’ll even smile back!”
“Awesome! I’ll get the helmets, you get a charged blaster pack!”

There you go, instant happy trooper, TK-321 is now motivated to get a new power pack in his blaster!

6) You Gotta Stay AwakeStarWars Coffee
You can’t sleep on the job, and if you are tired, you are instantly cranky and a morale depreciator to your companions on guard duty, practice runs, sim exercises, or in the field. It is a proven fact that if you got that energy pumping and you are fully aware of your surroundings, you are ready to go kill something. It’s just so motivating. And how can you stay awake if you can only get a few hours of sleep at best between a busy schedule, unable to nap in that horrid plasteel armor, or the barracks bed is just slightly more inviting than a slab of ice straight from Hoth?

Simple, you go to the coffee shop and get a nice Dangleberry Latte. Sure it may be overpriced, but at least you can stay alive longer from being awake. So go to your StarWars Coffee shop today! They are now popping up in almost every barraks, Imperial Star Destroyer and even within AT-ATs. Even if the caffeine doesn’r do much for you, it can at least thaw out your barracks bed for an hour or so.

5) It’s 5 o’clock Somewhere in the Galaxy..Cap AntillesReek Rider
To be merry, quite a few troopers need a good drink. And any good Imperial soldier knows that The Imperial Pub is the place for your drinks, especially that Captain Antilles. With a live Bith Band and open every single second with the beer taps constantly flowing, it is a rather happy motivating place. Stormtroopers have even won brawls… err… battles there. And the more battles you win, the more motivated you are.

4) Shoot ‘Em Outta Dat Sky Cowboy

What better way to rally up your squadron that with a rowdy chorus of “Git along little nerfie, git along, git along” AIr Calvwhile blasting your opponents with your rodeo style manuevers. Plus, we all know that cowboys can round up those stray ‘fraidy nerfs retreating from the battle without much difficulty. Plus, the hat just looks cool. And we know that if you look cool, you just have higher morale. No need for scientific testing of a fundamental law of sentient nature.

3) Let’s Just Put Our Differences Aside and Hug!

Inter Division tensions can lead to a lot of stress on troopers and their commanders. We’re on the same side, so let’s just get together and make one nice big group hug!

Care Bear Hug

Casual Stormie2) Casual Fridays
People get bored of wearing the same suit of armor or flight suit over and over and over. And we all look exactly the same, which needless to say, is very bland. When a stylish trooper or pilot is forced to conform, it demoralizes him or her. Now if the soldiers were allowed to express individuality even once a week, their morale would greatly improve. Of course the standard on the job uniform must be worn on the job, but several clever pilots and stormtroopers can find alternatives.

Also mistaken identifies would not occur as frequently…

“Hey Courtney, last night was amazing.”
“I’m not Courtney… You [censored] did [censored] what with my girlfriend?”
“Umm…We were at the shooting range, firing guns…”
“And was one of these [censored] guns a few inches in length?”
“Eight actually… I mean…”

1) Show a Little SkinStorntrooper Stripper
On your off duty time, odds are you want to have fun. No fun? Then you start to get depressed. And what is there to do in a military base? Not much to be honest. Those prank knocks on the Prefect’s door are out of the question ever since he put up that security camera. (Not that I know anything about those. Honest)

So… why not get a little fun and loving at the same time with a little strip club in a corner of the base? It is unkown what the side arm fires, and your reporter is working extensively with the pictured to figure out. For you ladies, we have not forgotten you.

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