We at the VEToday hear a lot of rumors. Rumors about exploding suns, traitorous generals, ‘Dark Jedi’ conspiracies, and even one fellow who insisted that he was the Emperor reborn. However every now and then a rumor comes our way that sounds like it isn’t completely insane. Those we investigate further, usually discovering that they actually are, in fact, completely insane.

However lately there has been a rumor circulating the barracks and cantinas about morale issues within the New Republic fleets and we here have taken it upon ourselves to investigate further. What we have discovered should be of great concern to any New Republic officials that by some chance read this. (Maybe one of our faithful readers could send them a copy?)

On the outside the New Republic fleets appear ordered, strong and coordinated, if far from modern. Inside though they are a cornucopia of confusion, frustration and masturbation. Tensions run high, especially during drills or combat when the stress levels of any crew rise. Desertions have doubled in the past month and tripled in the last two. Ships are running skeleton crews, while their brigs over flow.

What could cause such mass hysteria and dysfunction among a military that managed to nearly destroy a galaxy spanning empire? Plague? Moral ambiguity? Their ever shrinking borders? We asked these and more questions of our chosen interview subjects. Although they were initially reluctant to comment, we turned the power settings up. This of course resulted in the predictable deaths. Later, however they started responding more personably. Such as this brave soul:

“AAHHH!. . .*pant* *pant*. It’s the alcohol shortage. . . We. . .*pant*” *ZAAP* “I can’t feel my face!”

A shortage of alcohol is a severe problem in any military. Troopers shoved together in cramped conditions with little to occupy their free time tend to cause trouble and absolute mayhem. The introduction of libations gives the soldiers something to look forward to and is sure to make them fall asleep and be well rested the next day. Without this distraction they have become restless, bored and cranky. Not to mention suffering from alcohol withdrawals.

Further research has revealed to this intrepid reporter that this chaos was in good part to the planning of our Commanders and the ingenuity of our troopers in the field. Not to mention the various pirate factions that have found the New Republic easy pickings in the recent months.

Even further digging has revealed that the Army intends to take full advantage of these disruptions within the New Republic Fleet. Although Fury was not available to answer questions his aide did give us thirty or forty minutes of absolutely nothing. But we kept talking because she was cute and we wanted to take her out later. However rest assured Imperial Citizen, that the chaos among the New Republic ranks brings us one step closer to an inevitable Imperial victory. Long live the Empire!