We at the VEToday hear a lot of rumors. Rumors about exploding suns, traitorous generals, ‘Dark Jedi’ conspiracies, and even one fellow who insisted that he was the Emperor reborn. However every now and then a rumor comes our way that sounds like it isn’t completely insane. Those we investigate further, usually discovering that they actually are, in fact, completely insane.

However lately there has been a rumor circulating the barracks and cantinas about morale issues within the New Republic fleets and we here have taken it upon ourselves to investigate further. What we have discovered should be of great concern to any New Republic officials that by some chance read this. (Maybe one of our faithful readers could send them a copy?)

On the outside the New Republic fleets appear ordered, strong and coordinated, if far from modern. Inside though they are a cornucopia of confusion, frustration and masturbation. Tensions run high, especially during drills or combat when the stress levels of any crew rise. Desertions have doubled in the past month and tripled in the last two. Ships are running skeleton crews, while their brigs over flow.

What could cause such mass hysteria and dysfunction among a military that managed to nearly destroy a galaxy spanning empire? Plague? Moral ambiguity? Their ever shrinking borders? We asked these and more questions of our chosen interview subjects. Although they were initially reluctant to comment, we turned the power settings up. This of course resulted in the predictable deaths. Later, however they started responding more personably. Such as this brave soul:

“AAHHH!. . .*pant* *pant*. It’s the alcohol shortage. . . We. . .*pant*” *ZAAP* “I can’t feel my face!”

A shortage of alcohol is a severe problem in any military. Troopers shoved together in cramped conditions with little to occupy their free time tend to cause trouble and absolute mayhem. The introduction of libations gives the soldiers something to look forward to and is sure to make them fall asleep and be well rested the next day. Without this distraction they have become restless, bored and cranky. Not to mention suffering from alcohol withdrawals.

Further research has revealed to this intrepid reporter that this chaos was in good part to the planning of our Commanders and the ingenuity of our troopers in the field. Not to mention the various pirate factions that have found the New Republic easy pickings in the recent months.

Even further digging has revealed that the Army intends to take full advantage of these disruptions within the New Republic Fleet. Although Fury was not available to answer questions his aide did give us thirty or forty minutes of absolutely nothing. But we kept talking because she was cute and we wanted to take her out later. However rest assured Imperial Citizen, that the chaos among the New Republic ranks brings us one step closer to an inevitable Imperial victory. Long live the Empire!

Morale is diminishing in the Corps and Navy, pilots and stormtrooper lack the motivation to blast their opposition into smithereens. Studies at the Tadath Institute of Technology (TIT) show that unmotivated troopers tend to perform below standards and have a higher death ratio than their optimistic, trigger happy counterparts. Thus, leading psychological scientists at TIT have suggested seven simple methods to improve the morale and thus efficency of the Vast Empire forces.

7) Turn That Frown Upside Down
Let’s face it. You are looking at a normal Stormtrooper, he looks gloomy. Now if we turn that little black ‘v’ like mark on their helmets upside down you have instant morale boost. Not to mention it should unnerve the enemy if he sees a whole platoon of ceaseless smiles running at him. Or how about if your squad smiles happily at everything you do no matter how stupid?
Think about it…

“Hey TK-321 why so gloomy?”
“I dunno, maybe my squad just seems to frown at everything I do.”
“Then you need the spankin’ new helmets, they will smile. Even if you shoot your own SL, he’ll even smile back!”
“Awesome! I’ll get the helmets, you get a charged blaster pack!”

There you go, instant happy trooper, TK-321 is now motivated to get a new power pack in his blaster!

6) You Gotta Stay Awake
You can’t sleep on the job, and if you are tired, you are instantly cranky and a morale depreciator to your companions on guard duty, practice runs, sim exercises, or in the field. It is a proven fact that if you got that energy pumping and you are fully aware of your surroundings, you are ready to go kill something. It’s just so motivating. And how can you stay awake if you can only get a few hours of sleep at best between a busy schedule, unable to nap in that horrid plasteel armor, or the barracks bed is just slightly more inviting than a slab of ice straight from Hoth?

Simple, you go to the coffee shop and get a nice Dangleberry Latte. Sure it may be overpriced, but at least you can stay alive longer from being awake. So go to your StarWars Coffee shop today! They are now popping up in almost every barraks, Imperial Star Destroyer and even within AT-ATs. Even if the caffeine doesn’r do much for you, it can at least thaw out your barracks bed for an hour or so.

5) It’s 5 o’clock Somewhere in the Galaxy..
To be merry, quite a few troopers need a good drink. And any good Imperial soldier knows that The Imperial Pub is the place for your drinks, especially that Captain Antilles. With a live Bith Band and open every single second with the beer taps constantly flowing, it is a rather happy motivating place. Stormtroopers have even won brawls… err… battles there. And the more battles you win, the more motivated you are.

4) Shoot ‘Em Outta Dat Sky Cowboy

What better way to rally up your squadron that with a rowdy chorus of “Git along little nerfie, git along, git along” while blasting your opponents with your rodeo style manuevers. Plus, we all know that cowboys can round up those stray ‘fraidy nerfs retreating from the battle without much difficulty. Plus, the hat just looks cool. And we know that if you look cool, you just have higher morale. No need for scientific testing of a fundamental law of sentient nature.

3) Let’s Just Put Our Differences Aside and Hug!

Inter Division tensions can lead to a lot of stress on troopers and their commanders. We’re on the same side, so let’s just get together and make one nice big group hug!

2) Casual Fridays
People get bored of wearing the same suit of armor or flight suit over and over and over. And we all look exactly the same, which needless to say, is very bland. When a stylish trooper or pilot is forced to conform, it demoralizes him or her. Now if the soldiers were allowed to express individuality even once a week, their morale would greatly improve. Of course the standard on the job uniform must be worn on the job, but several clever pilots and stormtroopers can find alternatives.

Also mistaken identifies would not occur as frequently…

“Hey Courtney, last night was amazing.”
“I’m not Courtney… You [censored] did [censored] what with my girlfriend?”
“Umm…We were at the shooting range, firing guns…”
“And was one of these [censored] guns a few inches in length?”
“Eight actually… I mean…”

1) Show a Little Skin
On your off duty time, odds are you want to have fun. No fun? Then you start to get depressed. And what is there to do in a military base? Not much to be honest. Those prank knocks on the Prefect’s door are out of the question ever since he put up that security camera. (Not that I know anything about those. Honest)

So… why not get a little fun and loving at the same time with a little strip club in a corner of the base? It is unkown what the side arm fires, and your reporter is working extensively with the pictured to figure out. For you ladies, we have not forgotten you.