You’re on a mission, you creep silently through the enemy base, dispatching any soul unlucky enough to cross your path. The halls are dim, the power long since cut by Team Beta, the only light source is the security checkpoint you’re moving towards. Your squad leader calls a halt, you have to find away around the checkpoint. One of your faceless comrades points to the ceiling, your squad leader nods and points at you, you let your weapon drop to your side and move over to the vent, one of your number gives you a boost and you crawl in.

It’s a proven fact that 87.32348% of all missions involving indoor environments enjoy a great reduction in completion time thanks to ventilation systems. Anyone who has been in the Vast Empire Stormtrooper Corps knows this. Every Trooper that has been here for any amount of time has spent a good deal of that time crawling though cramped but conveniently placed ventilation shafts. The convenient placing, size and lack of security equipment in said shafts makes the job of every soldier that has ever had to storm a base just a little bit easier.

Without having to engage the enemy as often or deal with locked doors or having to navigate confusing, winding hallways a missions time can be cut from half a day to a mere pair of hours. Where as all rebel hallways suffer from a lack of directions and guest signs it’s a well known fact that every ventilation system comes complete with maps every few intersections written in an easy to read large print and color coding.

Ventilation shafts have a plethora of methods for use. They can be used to escape imprisonment, get around a secure door, move about a building without alerting the enemy and for throwing really uncomfortable bachelor parties. Such luxuries with the New Republic bases has lead some of our more adventurous troops to attempt similar stunts around the Vast Empire infrastructure. However I feel it is my duty to inform the galaxy that it just doesn’t work the same. Our ventilation shafts are too small for an armored man, the grates are too difficult to get off without ruining the wallpaper and they just weren’t designed to hold that kind of weight, what is most likely to happen should one try it is that they will fall through the ceiling and become lodged in the piece of duct work. This would be awkward to explain should an MP or an officer happen by and could land an unfortunate trooper in the stockade.

Now your average soldier is merely thankful that such vents were so conveniently placed, but how many stop to thank the poor contractor that put it all together? He’s just an average working man (or creature) who may not have been able to pass the physical, or they finished their tour of duty, or possibly even a member of the underground resistance. But whoever they are they are showing their Imperial Pride and doing their part to aide in the march to the core. So next time you see a being walking down the street or in a bar who is obviously not part of the military try to refrain from calling them hippies and berating them for not joining the war effort. Instead buy him a drink and thank him for the color coded maps. Who knows, he might actually know what you’re talking about.