The VEToday has recently called in several probe droids that were deployed many standard years ago, some dating to around the first Death Star. Several probes even predate the Galactic Empire. Contained within the memory banks of these droids are the mountains of data that has been collected. Unfortuanately so much data was recorded that the probes began to overwrite the video files with only sound clips. This we have several years worth of sound clips and no video to help us understand what is going on. Many sound clips are even broken up and static can be heard in several places.

A majority of the clips are just boring banter between people or nature sounds. Some of the clips are much more… questionable. We’ll let you be the judge.

1. I haven’t seen him. It’s possible he came in through the south entrance.
2. Ten thousand?? We could buy our own ship for that!
3. Young fool… only now, at the end, do you understand
4. I don’t care what you smell, just get in there you big lug!
5. She may not look like much, but she’s got it where it counts, kid.
6. Even I get boarded sometimes.
7. They came from… behind!
8. [static] lets blow this thing [static]
9. credits will do fine
10. Pull out Wedge, you’re not going to do much good back there.
11. Look at the size of that thing
12. I’m not afraid … Oh, you will be. You will
13. Your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough, but your uncle wouldn’t allow it
14. It’s no good down here, I can’t maneuver!
15. “Goooooooooooooooooood….” *hissssss* “Gooooooooooooooooood….”
16. There’s an awful lot of moisture in here.
17. Stabilize your rear deflectors… Watch for enemy fighters.
18. Impressive. Most impressive. Obi-wan has taught you well.
19. You came in [static] -ing?
20. Stay on Target, Stay on Target!
21. Would it help if I got out and pushed?

Needless to say, most of us are disturbed here at the VEToday, There are a few rare reporters smiling strangely at some of the comments. I made a mental note to avoid them. Laughter is fine, but that look… *shudder*

Anyways, Imperial Intelligence has analyzed each sound clip and compared them to accurate historical files, we have determined the following:

1. Rebel soldier in Hoth Base -> to Princess Leia on trying to find the entryway Luke used on Hoth. The context of the entryway is questionable.
   
2. Luke Skywalker -> Obviously outraged at the prices of the Jawa “entertainers.”
3. Emperor Palpatine -> We have no desire to determine what he means by “end”
4. Han Solo -> Once again, we didn’t ask
5. Han Solo -> We sure hope he was talking about his ship.
   
6. Han Solo -> We had to run in circles for 5 days to get that image out of our heads
   
7. Gold 5 -> We think there was something wrong with that
   
8. Han Solo -> You can figure this one out
   
9. Qui Gon Jinn -> Trying to get the prostitute to accept his form of credits most likely. Although jedi were forbidden to love, nothing forbid the other thing
   
10. Luke Skywalker -> “Pull out” and “back there” says it all
    
11. Luke Skywalker -> Do we have to explain this one?
    
12. Luke Skywalker and Yoda -> It can explain itself
    
13. Obi Wan Kenobi -> Passing on a family item… the vibration like noise that came after was not reassuring
    
14. Gold Leader -> That is wrong.
    
15. Lord Vader -> We are not quite sure what cybernetic enhancements he got
    
16. Han Solo -> No comment
    
17. Gold Leader -> Watch you hole in other words. Perv.
    
18. Count Dooku -> We skipped this one
    
19. Princess Leia -> emphasis on the second word
    
20. Gold Leader -> So wrong. Did we mention Gold Leader is a perv yet?
    
21. Princess Leia -> We are starting to think Leia might have been around the block
    

In addition, only one probe droid was able to provide us with an image. The sound clip that comes with it scares the living jeepeers out of us:

“and now, princess, we will discuss the location of your rebel base” *thwrum thwruuum thwruuuuum*

No comment.

Okay then. I’m writing this article for any newcomer’s to the VE. It can be a very confusing place when your a fresh piece of mea….I mean cadet.

So, here we go. You found the link to this article, congratulations. Bet your wondering what to do next? Well here’s the answer? See that little red box with a white cross through it in the top right of your screen? Looks really appealing doesn’t it? Just sat there, begging you to press it? Well, now’s your chance. Just hover your mouse over it, thats it. Ok ready? On three you click that little left hand mouse button.

One…
Two…
Three!

Alright that’s the idiots gone. Now for the serious article. Well, kinda. Any of you who are fortunate (unfortunate?) enough to know me well know I hardly do anything seriously.

But, just for this article, I shall concentate.

I’m starting this tutorial thingy from the point where you have just passed out of the Storm Trooper Academy, or the Naval Academy. Whichever one you left, you will of been placed in a squad (or squadron, in the Navy’s case). If you don’t already know which squad(ron) you are in (I didn’t), now’s your time to find out.

The Navy side is easier to figure out, the only squadrons actively running are Kaph and Nazgul, plus Shazam is pretty good at taking your hand and leading you through everything. I don’t expect many Navy member’s to get lost.

You Corps however, it’s slightly more difficult. Cosmic has to run around finding you a squad, which depending on activity levels, might take a while. Regardless, take the opportunity to have a look through all the various squad topic’s, and check out the general stuff that goes on inside them. Squad topic’s aren’t taken seriously, they’re very light hearted places. Just don’t post in another squad’s topic, it tends to get them a little mad.

Alright, you’ve found your home in the VE. Now what? If you’re lucky, the man/woman in charge has arranged sending out a welcome e-mail to you, which will detail all the finer points of the squad. Rely on that e-mail more than this, I can only offer general advice, your SL/SC will know far more about what your supposed to do than I. Only exception is if your a Wraith, in which case this e-mail will come from myself, and I hardly ever know what I’m doing.

Alright! Now, you should be settled into your squad, and you should spend some time getting to know your squadmates. Make sure you know who to go to if you have a problem, on what day reports should be sent, and know of your squad story. If you keep those three pieces of information in your head, you should be alright.

Your ID line! I almost forgot. This is a really scary piece of gibberish for most newcomers. But don’t worry, it will begin to make sense in time. The best advice I can give for the long term is to look it up in the handbook and create it yourself, it’s valuable experience. However, it’s far from necessary. The easiest thing to do is copy the ID line of another member of your squad(ron), and change only what you need to. In most cases, that will be your callsign and your rank. And if you were unlucky enough to copy a person with awards, please make sure you take them out, or it could get you in a hell of a lot of trouble. Awards are normally bracketed.

And now, aside from your squad, what else can you do in the VE? Well there’s the pay per click directory. Filled with lots of buttons to press, which magically spew out money! Well worth a try.

For the gambler, there is the stock market! Dont worry, you only gamble your (sometimes) Hard earned Imperial Credits, not your real money. All of these links can be found on the Vast Empire homepage.

What next? The world my son (or Daughter)

————————————-
Kanderin Draken
VE Journalist

Gang Wars in Nar Shaddaa
 

                This week on the moon Nar Shaddaa, a violent gang war has erupted in the 5^th residential sector. The gangs were unknown to official prior to the beginning of the war. The two gangs go by the names of the Galactic Souls and the Berserkers. Fighting erupted earlier this week at a cantina after two men were arguing over an unknown package. Officials are still looking for the so called package, fearing it could be some type of massive explosive. These two gangs are both a couple thousand members strong, which shocked the local law enforcement since none of them even knew they existed.

                At the start it was limited to small gang brawls, only a few blasters had been pulled. But as the week went on the fights became battles, and the blood started falling. Not only the gangsters have died in the fight, many civilians have been harmed during the fights. In fact there are 50 confirmed deaths of civilians and three times that in wounded. The damages to land and property are uncountable. The 5^th Sector is close to becoming a flame ridden battle ground. People are scared to come out of their houses at night, some even afraid to do it at all.

                Here is a story from a gang violence victim, Miss Sarrel Captra.  Sarrel Captra is a local dinner owner in the sector who store was shot up by a couple of Berserkers in a shootout.  Here are her own words, Sarrel Captra, “It was three days ago, I had opened the shop like I had every other day. People were scared so business was really slow, but these two men, Mike and James, came in every day for a cup of coffee. They were nice enough boys, never though they were involved in anything bad, especially not the gang war. But it turns out I was wrong, that day two Twi’leks came in, they were wearing masks and had blaster pistols out and pointed at the front desk. They took all we had and turned around and faced Mike and James. I looked up from the counter where I was hiding to see that Mike and James had blasters of their own out and had them point right at the Twi’leks. I was scared for my life, and then the first shot rang off. I closed my eyes, scared to look.  The shots rang off for it had to be… 5 minutes before it went silent. Then all I heard was footsteps running away. I looked up, Mike and both Twi’leks were dead, and the table Mike and James as well as the counter were scorched from miss fire of the guns.”

                Many more stories, some worst then this, have been reported due to the increasingly deadly gang war. Along with the fights between the two actual gangs, both sides have increased in all areas of crime; robberies, kidnapping, assault, rape, and many more.  By the hundreds civilians flew the sector in refuge for safer places. So far the war has been contained to only the 5^th Sector. The majority of law enforcement troops have been placed in the sector or the neighboring ones. Nar Shaddaa officials have gone as far as to offer money for every high ranking member killed, in hopes of thinning the ranks of the gangsters.

                But the VE are responding to this problem as we speak. Right now 5,000 highly trained riot/anti-terrorist mps are being shipped to Nar Shaddaa to fight the gangster and bring an end to this pointless and bloody war. Commander Jack Liverstien is the officer in charge of bringing this conflict to a halt, when interviewed this is what he had to say, “How something like this could have erupted is not surprising, Nar Shaddaa has been a gangster and smuggler heaven for years. It was only a matter of time before something like this would happen. It’s a shame that all the civilians that have died or wounded had to get involved. My troops are trained for this type of thing and are waiting to engage and eliminate all gangs in the sector. And this “package” that started this whole thing was probably just some hot goods. So no I don’t believe there is a major bomb threat in the Sector. I except the fighting to heat up once we get there, but at least that way we can get them faster”, the Commander laughed and went on to some info on his troops which we will skip  for now.

                Nar Shaddaa’s 5^th Sector is now a flaming mess and it will only be getting worst. We will report on this at a later point as of the results of Commander Liverstiens troop’s insertion.